The Best Craig's List Post Ever!
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.
I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.
At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.
I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...
What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call,
P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…
*a million thanks BuzzFeed!
Friday, January 30, 2009
The Best Craig's List Post Ever!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
After a mildly exhausting day at the office I arrived home and looked forward to an evening away from the world. Maybe some history channel. Definitely some internet playtime. I needed a good, inspirational soundtrack.
Crash! Thud! Fu*king damn whore bitch! Bump. Bump. Bump.
I set aside my mactop and ventured over to the front window. What on earth could all that racket be over? I peered gingerly between the blinds and nearly pissed myself laughing.
24 cans of Coors Light were independently rolling and exploding down the outside staircase.
Sometimes there is no better comedy than one's drunken neighbor loosing all his beer. Cheap beer. That's why you don't drink cheap beer, it has a mind of it's own and the means to do whatever it pleases. Which tonight was beers on parade.
Posted by weetiny at 8:41 PM
Thursday, January 22, 2009
My freshman year of college there was this guy. Todd. He played Lacrosse (kind of the hockey of grass - it's violent and uses sticks, boys love it.) Anyway, we had psych 101 together. During one early morning class Todd was seated behind me, Tara and CJ. Every so often my chair got bumped. But not in the funny or clever flirty way. In the super-effing-annoying-what-the-fuck-are-you-doing way. Finally I spun and hissed "What up Todd?" His response? "I lost my thong under your chair."
From there on out we had an expression for Todd, The guy who has 2 brain cells and one is chasing the other.
Somehow that was relevant to the story I wanted to tell about Family Cruises in the 1980's after I found this:
We were BIG cruisers in the 1980's. When you think about it, that is kind of the quintessential 80's vacation. A floating monstrosity of indulgence that houses a multitude of fashion disasters and heinous hair moments. Lucky for all of you the family photos are at my parents place, we have some doozies. Me at 7 sporting white leggins, an oversized sweatshirt of neon paint splatters and rhinestones. My grandmother had it custom made. Gads.
As a kid cruises are great! Your parents cannot lose you, you're on a boat. You're loose! You are free to wander into the casino and disrupt all manner of games, hang out with the ladies at the salon and leave for dinner looking like a streetwalker! You can stay up late and run in the halls and sneak into the adult revue show! Now add in a flaming dessert and it was my 7 year old heaven. Did I mention my murphy bed? Awesome.
The SS AZURE SEAS
the capt. (we have photos with this man)
*all that and no cruise story? 'fraid so.
Posted by weetiny at 10:03 PM
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Much earlier in my life these guys provided much of the soundtrack. They were busy exploding out of Sacramento while I was in high school. I have attended countless shows in Capitol Park, small, smoky club sets and taken insanely long drives in my first boyfriend's jeep just to let the tape (gasp) play through. They rocked. It started with Rock and Roll Lifestyle and Jolene, but these are my top 3. Oh goats - I love you!
Posted by weetiny at 8:24 PM
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Okay so I'm watching the news and some dude in Winnetka pays a 6,000 mortgage! I did some quick math (always scary, but I used a calculator) and at the end of a 35 year mortgage, he will have paid over 2,500,000, for a house in Winnetka! Now I am not shitting on Winnetka (okay, maybe a little) but, seriously? 2.5 million needs to get me more, lots more. Like tennis courts and a pool house more.
Posted by weetiny at 6:07 PM
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I have often been asked what I do to prevent the return of Cancer, what medications do I take? None. I chucked Western Medicine's pills a few years back after I had all the Lupron I will ever be able to tolerate (sounds comforting, Lupron - check. Adrymicin - check). I do however have an amazing Herbalist and Eastern Medicine Practitioner.*
I take herbs. Lots of herbs. Some are pills. Some are tinctures. They often smell and taste foul and come in non friendly colors, like black. Sweet. But I have not been sick (cold, flu, fever or whatever), in nearly 2 years. Also no Cancer and no panic attacks (I have a tenuous relationship with my panic disorder). I feel better. I don't retain ever ounce of water I see (hello Tamoxifen!). My hair isn't falling out all over the shower and my bones aren't been destroyed on a cellular level (thanks Lupron!). So I am sticking with this - it works, for me.
What I take EVERYDAY:
Bupleurum & Dragon Bone
Ginseng & Astragalas
Calcium + D
Omega-3 (or other Fish Oil)
* she won't tell you this, but she is a Dr. and attended med school et c. so I guess I have the best of both worlds. I feel that I am in good hands and at the end of the day that alleviates more stress and confusion, than having the best specialist who cannot remember your name and is thinks of you only as a # in their clinical trial.
**the regimen changes according to how I feel. I used to take things I no longer need. It's fun! Kind of like going to the most effing expensive candy shop - ever.
Posted by weetiny at 7:34 PM
Scars. Lack of girly parts. This year will be 5 years. A corner? A milestone? Do I fu*king care? I'll keep you posted.
In the meantime to excuse the confusion many people have as to why I sport only horizontal scars across my chest, if they can "reconstruct" things like nips, THIS IS WHY. Not to mention that I have very little trust in anyone who says, "they will look real." Sure, 'cause in a beauty contest between you and Mother Nature, my money is on you. All this makes me seem like I don't love my plastic surgeon. I do. She is amazing and I know she could and would do an amazing job. But it just wouldn't be the same. And if the damn things won't function, do I really need them? Nope. Not me.
Ack. As if we all don't have enough to deal with, now let's just pile on some hairy dick nipples. I'd rather not.
ps - S. don't stop. We all come close. We all wonder why do I do this? For you. I treat this blog like a journal. I am just a journal whore and the idea that others may read this keeps me motivated. But it is for me. Congrats on Year One.
Posted by weetiny at 7:18 PM