Saturday, May 24, 2008

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED

I have possibly just incurred the single shittiest week of my life. Okay, so perhaps the week I was finally diagnosed, alone in a hospital room with cancer was worse, but this one came close. I guess that is really saying something. I should start at the beginning, since that provides a bit of order to the chaos.

Monday morning I felt that I should call Mom. I got busy, had a couple meetings and she left me a voicemail. I snatched up the phone on my desk and speed dialed her back. She quietly informed me that Daddy Chet had died. He was my last Great Grandparent. I am nearly 30, which made him near to 100. He still lived in his own house and had a girlfriend! He was an amazing guy. I cried.

Later that day I took myself to the dentist. Things began to take a turn for the worst in earnest. I was here informed that my teeth are rotting out of my head, thanks in no small part to chemo and cancer - blah, blah. I cried again. I took my wounded pride (I heart my big, white, shiny teeth - damn it!) and temporary crowned tooth home.

Wednesday saw a 7am return to the dentist for more bad toothy news. As I laid there and cried some more, I felt the string of bad diagnosis conversations starting all over again. How can this be real - again!? I showed up at the office and tried to work it out. I tried not to stress about money. I tried not to explode into a rage over how crappy dental insurance is. I tried not to just throw my little hands up and say, "Fuck it. I quit." I wondered where I was going to find 5000.00

I churned over how I was unhappy and needed something to change. I should have remembered to be careful what I wished for. The 2 next things that occurred rocked me to my core. They also drove home that this is an intense period of change and decision making. The message being Clean Out Your Life!

I had a huge fight with my Father. Wednesday night I finally collapsed on my kitchen floor and just sobbed. Great loud heaving sobs of frustration and loneliness. I haven't felt that alone in a long time.

So welcome to Thursday. In a shocking turn of events I lost my job. I asked for a change and I got it. I didn't cry. I was damn elated in some ways. In the interest of exposing secrets and turning over new leaves and all that, I loved what I did at my job, but I was miserable doing it. I didn't fit. I knew this, my boss knew this, I am fairly certain even B knew it. By noon I was gone, having collected my coffee mug and misc files. I had just enough time to toss the stuff into my house before I was off to the Endodontist. Please, me done with the toofers!?

The first bright spots have started to appear. At this point I have to laugh. When I am running in the wrong direction things like this happen in my life. I get tossed under the bus just enough to remind me that a change in perspective can make all the difference. So bring it on.

2 comments:

shawn said...

Perhaps if I had been born with the last name of Hallmark, I'd be properly equipped to write a heartfelt response to the downpour that had darkened your doorstep this past week. Since my name is not that prestigious, I can only offer you the thoughts of myself writing a heartfelt response. I hope that will do.

The one part of your story that I can speak on with some experience is in regards to the loss of your job. Having been in that same exact situation earlier this year, I'll give you the same response that was given to me by one of my closest friends...congratulations!

I'm certain there will be times that you will not be able to sense it, but soon you'll be able to feel it in the air...good things are ahead.

Be sure to buckle up.

weetiny said...

Buckled in and ready for a ride in a convertible!! It is summer after all.

xoxo, wee